Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Vegas or Bust......a Hip!

 Forty is fast approaching and my friends and I are possibly planning a 40th Birthday Bash in LAS VEGAS!
This year and into the next, most of my friends just turned 40 or will turn 40 sometime in the next 6 months or so.  We have decided it might be fun to plan a group trip to Vegas to celebrate all of our 40th Birthdays! It would be me and The Husband, My friends Sassy and her husband Dbag, LaLa and her man DF,  Baby C and maybe a few others.  Let me give you a quick run down of my Cohorts.

Sassy -  She's a great friend that I have known since 7th grade. I love her and wouldn't trade her for the world.  However, She is most likely to take over planning the whole trip, change everything we first decide on and make everyone pay an extra $1000 to upgrade our rooms and see an All Gay Cirque Du Soleil.

DBag- Sassy's husband who we affectionately call Dbag because his name begins with D and sometimes he kinda acts like a D-Bag.   He's not much of a drinker so he is most likely to think everything we do is stupid and spend the entire trip at a casino playing black jack by himself.  That's the way he likes it!

LaLa - She is a friend from high school that I recently reconnected with. Funny and a blast to hang with.
DF - He is also a friend from high school that I recently reconnected with. Kind hearted but kinda a Douche!
They recently reconnected in another way if you know what I mean.....Wink ; )
They will most likely party with us and be good for a lot of laughs but constantly leave us to go do the Dirty Twirl!

Baby C - A Great friend that I have know since 2nd grade.  She is very sweet and fun.
She is most likely to get way too drunk, fall or vomit and Sassy and I will have to make sure no one kidnaps her, slips her a roofie, dirty dances her to death and/or dance floor ass rapes her.  

The Husband - Great guy, fun to party with, great dancer, loves to gamble.
He is most likely to either make my 40th Birthday wonderful and fun, where we will dine and dance and play in the casino, see a show, etc.....OR the more accurate account would be.....He will stay drunk, act obnoxious, gamble by himself or with DBag, not want to go to dinner or any shows and piss me off the entire time!

This is but a glimpse into the personalities and actions of my Vegas compadres.  I couldn't ask for a better group of people to Party it up Hangover style with .......................

We need a few more people and we could do it Oceans 11 style!





Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Holiday Fun for NO ONE!

Ah the Holidays, the season is upon us yet again.  Let me start by saying I love when summer turns to fall, also I love when Fall turns to Winter then Winter turns to Spring and Spring turns to Summer.  I really do love all the seasons! OK, back to my point....I love this time of year, when the leaves turn, and there's a chill in the air, all the great fall vegetables are out, there's plump pumpkins everywhere, you make comfort food like stew or chili and sit in front of the fire. First it's Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas! It's a great time of year, everything seems wonderful, people are a little more friendly and charitable especially at Christmas, except one person!


That's right, it's THE Husband! OMG! He is the worst! Now, I don't ask for much, but I do love to decorate our house with Fall decorations and scary Halloween stuff for our yard and in Fall colors for Thanksgiving and then of course Christmas is the greatest for decorating.  The tree, the lights on the house, garlands, stockings on the fire place, etc...But it seems like the Husband always tries to rain on my parade or pee in my post toasties or really just piss me the fuck off.  Again, I don't ask for much and this is just a simple pleasure for me.  I like to decorate for the Holidays! It's makes me happy. So, there I am pulling down my Fall table cloths and yelling "Honey, can you please get the Halloween decorations for me?" I only ask The Husband because he has buried all my cool ass decorations way back in a storage area in the back of one of our closets.  So, It's possible when I asked him it was more like "God Damn it, get my Halloween decorations out of that mess you THINK you organized in this closet"  I can't remember which one I said. Which he replies usually with some kind of grumble or sigh.  Really? Just get it!  Anyway, so I start putting things out and decorating, again with a smile on my face and a song in my heart, simple pleasure you know? Then It starts, usually I'll hear something like " I hope you know I'm not helping you with any of that"  I think to myself - No Shit! Do you ever? - next I hear something like "Why do you put all this crap everywhere, you just have to take it all down?"  I say something along the lines of " why do you put on underwear, you're just gonna have to take them off again?" That might not be a great analogy for him, he may think - Hmmm, You're right! Henceforth, No underwear!
I swear, seriously every year we go through this. So Halloween comes and we usually have a small get together with family and friends. I make all kinds of cool Halloween Treats which he also must sneer or wrinkle his face up at, but of course eats and enjoys. By the end of the night The Husbands like "OK, we need to put all this away"  WE huh?  Yeah OK!

Next is Thanksgiving, he's usually fine because it's mostly stuff that is already out for Fall and a few table cloths, Plus he likes all the food so he keeps his snarky ass comments to himself.


Now Comes Christmas, I definitely decorate for Christmas and although the husband grumbles and sighs about it the whole time.  He will put up our Christmas lights BUT he only does it EVERY OTHER year! He thinks that's a good deal...He's no Clark Griswold, I'll tell ya that! I'm living with a real live Ebenezer Scrooge! So, this year I'm just going to hire someone to put up Christmas lights - A. So I don't have to hear his mouth and 3. So I don't have to try to remember if this is the year we get lights on the house or not! The best part is the day after Christmas, he immediately starts ripping everything down and putting the tree away.  Traditionally, most families wait until after New Years Day to take down the Christmas decorations. Nope, Not at Ebenezer's house! It's December 26th! OR If, you're like my friend Sassy's Mom, you take down your tree at Easter!
  He grumbles about the decorations, who I'm buying presents for, if he has to get up early to go see family, basically anything there is to bitch about, he will!  Although, he does love all the presents under the tree and all the holiday food. He may grumble and sigh about everything leading up to the Holiday, but deep down I know he really likes it all and enjoys it. It just wouldn't be the Holiday season if he didn't try and make my life a living Hell!

Love YA Honey! Now, Get My decorations out of the Closet!!
Seriously, get them!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Shit I find Hilarious!

Everyone has their own unique sense of humor. I, myself usually have the sense of humor of a young teenage boy.  Although I do also enjoy more mature and intellectual humor, but not nearly as much.  Below are some of the things I find Hilarious!

CAT Humor...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCNNvLrqFN8

Hilarious Cat Video - Click it!











When some Trips and/or Falls...
I love when someone trips, it's not the actual TRIP or FALL that is funny but the surprised look on their face as they quickly look around to see if anyone saw them.  God, That's Greatness!

When I was like maybe 12 or 13, my cousin and I were at a popular water park.  We were walking along talking and thinking we were cool as all teenagers do and all of a sudden I slip in some very slippery watery sludge.  I did not FALL! I want to be clear, I slipped and went ALMOST to the ground but I came back up snapping my fingers and my cousin looks over and is like "what are you doing?" I say "I'm dancing!" all matter of factly like SHE's the crazy one!  That was over 25 years ago and she still brings it up to this day, then laughs hysterically!

Drinking...
I love drunk people, not the crazy obnoxious ones that vomit in your car and curse out your dog for looking at them or demand an apology from a lamp THEY knocked over.  The fun drunks! The ones that start buying you drinks and tell everyone in the bar that they love them.  Most of all, I love drunk friends.  That is the best when your friends are drunk and they either start crying and confessing things you can use against them later or they come up with crazy ass ideas that you let them do, so you can film it and put it on You Tube and of course if they pass out you will draw on them or dress them up and take pictures...




Misc...
 A few random things that made me laugh my ass off...





There are so many things that I find funny, it would take forever to list them all.  Like, Will Ferrell movies or old pictures of my friends and I from the 80's or when people on FB spell shit all wrong, etc..........
Just so many things, but you get the idea.









 



Friday, September 14, 2012

Better to Make Fun of People than to Conform!



I have always tried to be an individual, a leader rather than a follower, think outside the box, etc...
When I decide I like something it's usually because its different or no one has it.  Once, there is a following for the think I liked FIRST, I no longer like it that much.  For Example, I have always liked cartoons and I still do.  Looney Toons was my favorite growing up.  So, when I was young, I decided I liked Marvin the Martian.  He was funny and angry and NO ONE liked him.  Everyone loved Bugs Bunny or Coyote and Road Runner or Sylvester and Tweety, but No One was into Marvin.  So, I decided he was cool and I began to buy Marvin shit.  Like a Pen or Coffee Mug, a T-Shirt, etc... He was hard to find and didn't come easy, you really had to look to find Marvin stuff.   Next thing I know there are Looney Toons - Warner Bros. stores everywhere.  I see people wearing Looney Toon shirts and caps all over the place.  One day I'm in the mall and I go into a Looney Toons store and there is MARVIN everywhere.  My Mom and my friends know of my affection for Marvin, so for the next several years I receive many Marvin Gifts.  I had pens, hats, shirts, mugs, beer glasses, buttons, Christmas ornaments, etc...After that, everyone liked him and it was almost like he was the most popular character.  I'm like WTH? Marvin is MINE! So, of course I didn't like him all that much anymore. THEY RUINED IT!  Now, I must make fun of the Marvin followers! Nerds!


Now, Lets talk about the overuse of words and phrases.  Now there are the old classics like: Cool, Awesome, Later, What's Up, etc........those I can overlook, they are overused sometimes but they are classics and I approve of them.  However,  I can not stand phrases like: Just Sayin' - OMFG! it's everywhere, all over facebook, twitter, texts, TV shows, everyday conversation. It is WAY overused and I refuse to say that and I will never say that!  I fucking know you are just saying you just said it.  It's stupid and doesn't even make sense.  It Is What It Is -  I hate this one with a passion! What the hell does that mean? This is one that is everywhere also.  Any conversation you have with someone ends with "Well, It is what it is"  Really? Is it?  Maybe It is what it's NOT! Soon as someone says, types, texts or tweets this I immediately make an over exaggerated eye roll followed by a bitch face!  I cant stand it!!

Eye Roll

Bitch Faces
LOL-  this one is of course texted or tweeted or facebooked or whatever but it's is probably the most overused words or abbrev. phrase ever! I never ever use it and it drives me crazy.  It's is used incorrectly all the time or at inappropriate times and a reason for people to be passive aggressive but then use LOL and pretend they are not.  At the end of the Day - This one is just annoying as Fuck!  " Well I lost my job and my car broke down and my dog died and I have herpes BUT At the end of the day, It is what it is, LOL!"   Have we just lost our abilities to speak English or come up with other words to express ourselves or are we only able to copy and conform to what everyone else says and does. Jesus, I mean at least TRY to be a little different, make up your own words or use words that everyone else doesn't use 187 times a day or get a Thesaurus.  OK, I'm not saying that you can never say anything that other people say or the most popular slang or silly fun words but just mix it up a little.  I mean, I love love love to curse (or cuss depending on where you are from).  I don't have to do it, but I like it and its funny! I like to make up my own curses or add crazy words to my curses and rants.

TFH - "That's Fucking Hilarious"
Ferk
Blerk
Ruthless Rutabaga (This one I stole)
Fuck Nuggets
London Berries
Nut Crusts
Wash your Bag
You Just Fucked the Monkey!

Anyway, You get the idea.............It's fine to like things that other people like or what's popular or say what all the cool kids are saying........Just don't be afraid to say what YOU want to say or like what YOU want to like!




Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Adventures of Lucky and Lil' Bob

I have 2 cats, Lucky and Little Bob.  Yep, That's right! I'm a cat person! 
 
Little Bob

Lucky


I also have one dog, Trinity. The Husband named her, not for religious reasons but after the chick in the Matrix. Oh and one fish that refuses to die! I'm pretty sure in fish years that fish is at least 105 fish years old.  Lucky is a Japanese Bob Tail and is very sweet but only to me, his breed is known for their many many many Meows.  They are known to be extremely vocal and are said to bring Luck to their owners. Only one of those facts is true.  He is very skittish but loves to go outside and he likes to be picked up and held but only at his convenience. He also seems in Cahoots with the dog in a plot to kill us.  He is usually seen on our bedpost glaring down on us, planning our demise.  Little Bob is a Manx, he is named after my late cat Bob that I had for many years that was also a Manx.  Bob was the best cat ever, everyone loved him.  Little Bob is more laid back, quiet and a little needy. He does not like to be picked up and he will go outside but for only 27 seconds. He must always be in the bathroom with me, for pee pee, poo poo or a shower. 

Trinity
In Cahoots!

 Yes, I am a cat person but Alas The Husband is not.  He hates all living things! He thinks the cats are gay,  ( not that there's anything wrong with that)  every time they are grooming themselves he can be heard throughout the house yelling "SEE! The cats are Gay!"  They are both males and they are both fixed and The Husband obviously knows nothing of cat behavior.  Needless to say, his hatred of all things cute and furry (except vagina's) fuels many arguments between the two of us.  Their litter pan is in our garage and they have a cat door to get out there, so we don't have it in the house and don't have to deal with the mess or the odor.  He still finds this an issue.  He grumps around the house "We're getting rid of that Litter, I don't want it in MY garage!"  OK, I say, Where shall the cats do their business then?  Should we get tiny leashes and drag them by the neck out to the front yard 5 times a day, scraping them down the concrete as they do a Tasmanian devil trying to get loose?  Or we could put the litter in our living area, how about under the TV or in the kitchen so it won't be in YOUR garage. 


Original Bob

Last year "someone" started pissing on the carpet in our front room during the night when we slept.  The Husband immediately concluded "It's Lucky!"  The Husband started spanking him. Really? Jesus!  It happened again and again. I was baffled we had already had the cats for a year and they NEVER peed in the house.  Why now?  Something must be wrong! I read up on whatever I could find online about pissing cats, I changed their food, I tried several different kinds of litter.  I then took Lucky to the Vet (the skittish loud mouth). He was not happy, he freaked out and kept peeing on himself.  The vet needed to do a test that required testing the urine in his bladder but every time they got near him, he peed, emptying his bladder.  I had to leave him over night.  They still couldn't get the pee! So, the next day I went to pick him up, the girl at the front had to have me come to the back and get him because he was freaking out if anyone got close.  They gave me antibiotics for both cats just in case.  Meanwhile back at home, while Lucky was in Vet prison overnight "someone" peed on the carpet!  AHA! said The Husband,  "It's Little Bob, I knew it!"   So, now he started spanking Little Bob! Seriously? So, It kept happening! I'm giving the two cats their "meds" every night, again changing the litter brand, etc... Nothing is working! What the Fuck?  Also, this whole time we are buying carpet cleaning products, renting steamers, calling in the Pro's for carpet cleaning. By this time, The Husband is furious! "We are getting rid of those Cats!"  I'm like Yeah Yeah, Have this cocktail I made for you (with a roofie)! Just kidding, I don't roofie The Husband (often). So, one night The Husband puts the dog in her kennel for the night, she usually sleeps out in the house and under our bed.  So that night, no pee on the carpet.  Coincidence?  We conduct an experiment we put her up every night for several days. Every night the dog stayed in her kennel there was no Pee!  IT WAS THE FUCKING DOG! The whole time, it was the dog!  The Husband is like "Oh OK, it was the dog."  That's it? No crazy reaction like "We Must KILL the dog at once!"  I got nothing........He likes the Dog!  



Tuesday, September 4, 2012

UH, Thanks for the Shitty Gift...

 Everyone has had their share of shitty gifts, the sweaters from Grandma at Christmas, the Father's Day ties, underwear, socks etc...But, I am not exaggerating when I say I have had an overabundance of Bad gifts!
                               
It all started when I was very young, I can remember receiving the most God awful gifts at a very early age. First, I was given a Pony when I was young and later a Horse.  Now I know what you're thinking..."Aww Poor thing, that is awful to give a child a pony. You must have really had it rough."  OK, we were not rich by any means and I never asked for a damn pony.  Although I am an animal lover, I was never into riding horses or ponies. The gift of the pony and later the horse brought on several years of gifts like horse blankets, bridles, horse brushes, boots, etc...none of which I wanted or asked for.

This was followed by years of things I did not ask for.
Later in childhood, my mother would give me earrings every year for a gift, usually a stocking stuffer or something.  These were always the ugliest earrings on earth, never in style, always gaudy, crazy awful!  I specifically remember a pair that were colorful feathers, at the time NO ONE was wearing feather earrings, another year I received a pair that were a bunch of little gold chains hanging from the stud of the earring and one extra long chain that you looped back up to clip on the side of your ear. This went on for years until finally I put a rule in place that my mother was no longer allowed to buy me earrings.
This rule is still in place today!

                                   

Don't get me wrong, my mother has bought my husband and I many wonderful and thoughtful gifts over the years. However, most of the time she will ask us what we want and we have learned not to just say  "oh nothing" or "whatever you get is fine" because that will result in disaster if she is left to her own accord.  She buys crazy trinkets and things that hang from the ceiling or bizarre ceramic animals. 
      
By now you're thinking to yourself...GOD, What an ungrateful Bitch!
Maybe, but where am I going to put a ceramic bear dressed as a Bee? Really?

I even have a few friends that have totally given me a gift that they either clearly regifted or just wrapped up something around their house in pretty Christmas paper.
Are you freaking kidding me? At least dust that shit off before you try and convince me that you spent hours and hours shopping for the perfect gift for me. 

Now, on to my husband and his gift giving.  Let me tell you the contents of my last years Christmas stocking so you can get an idea of what I am dealing with. 
A pair of tweezers, Tic Tacs, Lip Balm, Pez dispenser but NO Pez Candy.
My reaction of course, was that he was telling me that I need to pluck something, my lips are dry and I have bad breath! As, I was opening it I exclaimed "Is this a Joke Stocking?"
It was not a joke, he was dead serious.  He is also famous for getting me strange and unwanted gifts.  We have no children, so we only buy for each other and extended family and a few friends.  We have been together 13 years. He should be much better at this by now.  No, I don't want a fucking Snuggie!  AND yes I have a Snuggie!

The deal is, I am a great gift giver, I take my time and I really put thought into it.
I try to buy something I know you will love or that I have heard you actually say you like or want, I pay attention.  Is it so bad to want the same thing in return? 
Yes, OK it's better to give than to receive and it's the thought that counts. Yeah Yeah, I know all the sayings.  They are BS! After almost forty years of shitty gifts I want some good stuff! I'm tired of opening my gifts and thinking "Oh, it's like that Mutha Fuckah?"

Gimme The Goods!





Saturday, August 25, 2012

Legit or Criminally Insane?



A few days ago while driving to work I noticed a homeless man walking very quickly and muttering to himself. What struck me as I drove passed, other than look at this crazy mother fucker, was the fact that he was dressed head to toe in fatigues.  So, I started thinking whenever I see someone in fatigues or camouflage I immediately think - Criminally Insane!  Unfortunately in this country we have many homeless vets and that is very sad. Many times you see the homeless in camouflage and you usually assume - homeless vet, which may or may not be the case.  If you think about it, Camouflage is so popular now, everyone wears it...the military, the homeless, hunters,  rednecks, rappers, babies, dogs, etc...
                                                                                                                                          

Also The Crazies dress in fatigues, how are we to differentiate between the crazy dogs and the sane ones?  All I know is if you are in the military or ever were and you wear fatigues, you're Legit! If you were never in the military and you wear full head to toe fatigues I'm going to assume you are criminally insane and run! 

Which leads me to the realization that there are several things I find either completely legit or full on bat shit crazy.  

For example: Hoarders Vs. Collectors

If you collect fine china, stamps or tea pots you most likely are a collector and even though you really have way too many teapots all over your home. I'm sure you're still somewhat sane. However, if you collect newspapers, magazines, feces and dead cats. I'm going to go ahead and say INsane.  Seriously?  What is with these Hoarders, there is shit everywhere and I mean literally.  There is no where to walk or shit or sleep, there is wall to wall trash, papers, furniture which is always broken or covered up with mounds of newspapers and random household items. 
Are they aware that you can pretty much get any newspaper or magazine on the Internet?  You don't have to save every paper from everyday for 37 years.
          

Next: People who have witnessed a UFO Vs. People who have been abducted.

OK, I'm not saying I believe or don't believe in Aliens or UFOs. Do I think it's possible? Yes! Anythings possible, right?  Millions of people have reported seeing a UFO which is just simply an Unidentified Flying Object.  We don't know what it is...It's Unidentified! Could be anything.  This is all of course legit but the people who claim they have been abducted or taken aboard a space ship and then brought back here, yeah I dunno about that. Is it possible? Hell yeah! But why is the guy who is reporting this always from West Virginia (no offense WV) missing teeth, wearing a nascar cap and overalls (probably camouflage) and saying things like " First, We seent this bright light, then Ma screamed and the youngun's started a cryin' and all of a sudden I woke up in a field 2 days later and my anus was sore!"  " I knowed it was them Aliens!"
So, of course these people are criminally insane!

In addition: Church going Folk VS. Extreme Religious Fanatics

The families that go to church on Sunday or the occasional Sunday, totally legit, no problem. However, the people who show up on your door step early Saturday morning (Bible Beaters or Bible Thumpers) trying to convert you or the Churches that have the snake handlers. I mean, that is so EEEWWWW! That 700 Club Dude? Come on!

Now, the *Pièce de résistance - The Religious Cults - David Koresh ( Waco Compound)  - he slept with all the women and when I say women I mean 12 and 13 year old girls and had many many children, then burned down the whole compound with everyone in it.  Marshall AppleWhite (Heavens Gate) the guy in California who believed in some kind of UFO Religion and convinced all his followers to commit suicide to reach an alien space craft. Jim Jones the guy who had that huge cult following in Jonestown in the 70's and made all his followers drink poison Kool- Aid. These guys were all criminally insane and how they got so many people to buy into their convictions and follow them, I will never know.



   


I have gotten WAY off track now.  The point is there is a thin line between the legit and criminally insane, be on your toes people!

* Pièce de résistance (French pronunciation: [pjɛs də ʁezistɑ̃s]) is a French term (circa 1839), translated into English literally as "piece of (or for) resistance," referring to the best part or feature of something (as in a meal), a showpiece, or highlight