Tuesday, September 4, 2012

UH, Thanks for the Shitty Gift...

 Everyone has had their share of shitty gifts, the sweaters from Grandma at Christmas, the Father's Day ties, underwear, socks etc...But, I am not exaggerating when I say I have had an overabundance of Bad gifts!
It all started when I was very young, I can remember receiving the most God awful gifts at a very early age. First, I was given a Pony when I was young and later a Horse.  Now I know what you're thinking..."Aww Poor thing, that is awful to give a child a pony. You must have really had it rough."  OK, we were not rich by any means and I never asked for a damn pony.  Although I am an animal lover, I was never into riding horses or ponies. The gift of the pony and later the horse brought on several years of gifts like horse blankets, bridles, horse brushes, boots, etc...none of which I wanted or asked for.

This was followed by years of things I did not ask for.
Later in childhood, my mother would give me earrings every year for a gift, usually a stocking stuffer or something.  These were always the ugliest earrings on earth, never in style, always gaudy, crazy awful!  I specifically remember a pair that were colorful feathers, at the time NO ONE was wearing feather earrings, another year I received a pair that were a bunch of little gold chains hanging from the stud of the earring and one extra long chain that you looped back up to clip on the side of your ear. This went on for years until finally I put a rule in place that my mother was no longer allowed to buy me earrings.
This rule is still in place today!


Don't get me wrong, my mother has bought my husband and I many wonderful and thoughtful gifts over the years. However, most of the time she will ask us what we want and we have learned not to just say  "oh nothing" or "whatever you get is fine" because that will result in disaster if she is left to her own accord.  She buys crazy trinkets and things that hang from the ceiling or bizarre ceramic animals. 
By now you're thinking to yourself...GOD, What an ungrateful Bitch!
Maybe, but where am I going to put a ceramic bear dressed as a Bee? Really?

I even have a few friends that have totally given me a gift that they either clearly regifted or just wrapped up something around their house in pretty Christmas paper.
Are you freaking kidding me? At least dust that shit off before you try and convince me that you spent hours and hours shopping for the perfect gift for me. 

Now, on to my husband and his gift giving.  Let me tell you the contents of my last years Christmas stocking so you can get an idea of what I am dealing with. 
A pair of tweezers, Tic Tacs, Lip Balm, Pez dispenser but NO Pez Candy.
My reaction of course, was that he was telling me that I need to pluck something, my lips are dry and I have bad breath! As, I was opening it I exclaimed "Is this a Joke Stocking?"
It was not a joke, he was dead serious.  He is also famous for getting me strange and unwanted gifts.  We have no children, so we only buy for each other and extended family and a few friends.  We have been together 13 years. He should be much better at this by now.  No, I don't want a fucking Snuggie!  AND yes I have a Snuggie!

The deal is, I am a great gift giver, I take my time and I really put thought into it.
I try to buy something I know you will love or that I have heard you actually say you like or want, I pay attention.  Is it so bad to want the same thing in return? 
Yes, OK it's better to give than to receive and it's the thought that counts. Yeah Yeah, I know all the sayings.  They are BS! After almost forty years of shitty gifts I want some good stuff! I'm tired of opening my gifts and thinking "Oh, it's like that Mutha Fuckah?"

Gimme The Goods!


  1. That panda dressed as a bee is ridiculous! Where do you put shit like that? I hate when people give me picture frames, that's a lazy gift. Mugs and picture frames.

    1. Right? Mugs with Bears dressed as Bees with captions like " Buzz Off, I haven't had my coffee yet!"

  2. Bitch, that lotion was dusted off! Suck it! ;)~